


A wish on the stars

by milky_toast_06



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Hospital, Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Getting Together, Hospitals, Hurt/Comfort, I'm Sorry, I'm so sorry for writing this, Kinda dirty but nothing actually happens, Kisses, Line without a hook reference, M/M, Mentions of Cancer, Mentions of Karasuno Team - Freeform, No actual sex, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Sad, Sick Character, Tsukishima Kei is Bad at Feelings, Yamaguchi is sweet, dying, i'm weak, not explicit, nothing more than kissing, tsukishima kei - Freeform, tsukkiyama - Freeform, yamaguchi tadashi - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-14
Updated: 2020-12-14
Packaged: 2021-03-11 05:21:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,696
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28039842
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/milky_toast_06/pseuds/milky_toast_06
Summary: “Do you know what stars represent?”“Something good I guess?”"No...I mean, well yeah kinda. Sometimes stars symbolise distance, kind of like something unattainable. Other times they symbolise hope and truth. So when people feel down or don’t know what to do, they look up in search of hope.”
Relationships: Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Comments: 2
Kudos: 21





	A wish on the stars

**Author's Note:**

> I won't say this is a song-inspired fanfic, but there are references to songs in here. The song lyrics don't belong to me, and neither do I claim they're mine. I would say this is kinda sad, but I like it :>

_If I showed you my flaws_

  
_If I couldn't be strong_

  
_Tell me honestly_

  
_Would you still love me the same?_

* * *

_**A wish on the stars** _

* * *

_“We live on the milky way, with 100,000,000,000 stars in total. Scientists say that means that there are about twelve stars for each person, but most people don’t know that, so we can have the 100,000,000,000 stars to ourselves, Yamaguchi. You can have 50,000,000,000 stars, and I'll have the other 50,000,000,000 stars.”_

_“Really, Tsukki? You’ll share the stars with me?”_

_“Shut up. Why wouldn’t I? Don’t be dumb.”_

_“Sorry Tsukki.”_

_“Sure, whatever.”_

_“...”_

_“Your freckles look nice under the moonlight.”_

_“Do they?”_

_“They look like stars. Stay still, let me count.”_

_“O-oh?”_

_“Hm, you have 25 freckles, which means 100,000,000,025 stars in total.”_

_“Huh?”_

_“Ah, it’s alright. You can have 50,000,000,013 stars and I'll have the other 50,000,000,012 stars.”_

* * *

Kei pushed open the door, frowning already as he was in. Everything about the room just screamed “hospital”. From the dim lights to the huge bouquet of dying flowers by the bedside, Kei hated it all. The whole room smelled like medicine and pills. 

“Hey Tsukki.”

Yamaguchi pressed the button by the bed and with a soft whir, the bed started to incline itself upwards til he was in a slightly slanted sitting position.

“Your shirt looks nice today,” Yamaguchi said.

Kei clicked his tongue as he removed the dying bouquet of flowers by Yamaguchi’s side, going to chuck it into the bin. The hospital was full enough of death and dying already; Kei didn’t need another reminder.

“What did the doctor say?”

“Don’t throw those flowers away. Hinata got them for me just yesterday,” Yamaguchi called out just as Kei was about to throw it. 

Pretending he’d not heard what Yamaguchi had just said, he let the flowers fall into the bin anyway.

“What did the doctor say?” Kei asked again, now pouring a glass of water for the other boy.

Yamaguchi searched his hands for the bouquet of flowers, and when he didn’t see them, he sighed.

“Oh,” he muttered upon seeing the yellow-ish brown petals of the flower sticking out from under the lid of the bin. Turning back to Tsukki, he put a smile on his face.

That stupid smile was probably to throw Kei off.

“Dr. Grey didn’t say anything. He just gave me a check up then mumbled something and left.”

Kei slid into his seat and handed Yamaguchi the glass of water. 

“What did he mumble?”

Yamaguchi held the glass in his hands, then took a sip. “Something about how I should probably get my family to prepare for the worst.”

Kei raised his eyebrows at Yamaguchi, who was taking another sip of water, before chugging the whole glass down.

“I don’t think he knows my family doesn’t care about me.”

“Of course he knows. Besides me, no one else has visited you.”

“Hinata did. Yesterday. And last week the team too, even Kiyoko-san.”

Kei remained silent. Yamaguchi knew what he’d meant by that, just choosing to play it off cool. Yamaguchi’s parents were always working, and hardly ever returned home. Whenever they did, they either never spoke to him, or just called him “worthless” and a “mistake child”.

“So what did you do today?”

“Nothing much. The food here doesn’t really taste good though, so I didn’t eat much of it.”

“I’ll go get you some rice buns downstairs then.”

“Wait-what?”

Without another word, Kei left the room to go get the rice buns for the sick boy. He looked into his wallet. He didn’t have as much money as he’d thought. Everything in the hospital tasted like crap, and yet it cost so much.

Hospitals were disgusting.

* * *

_“T-tsukki! I don’t need so many stars! You can have them.”_

_“Shut up, Yamaguchi.”_

_“Sorry Tsukki…”_

_“Hm.”_

_“...”_

_“Do you know what stars represent?”_

_“Something good I guess?”_

_“No...I mean, well yeah kinda. Sometimes stars symbolise distance, kind of like something unattainable. Other times they symbolise hope and truth. So when people feel down or don’t know what to do, they look up in search of hope.”_

_“Oh...you’re so smart Tsukki!”_

_“I’m not. I just happen to be interested in astronomy.”_

_“Ah.”_

_“Well...not really. You know how we see stars as they are from years ago? Light years and all that?”_

_“Yeah?”_

_“If aliens from other galaxies have some sort of device that can observe life on earth from their planets millions or perhaps even billions of light years away, maybe they can even see dinosaurs which existed here in the past.”_

_“Oh. So in the end all of this is just for...dinosaurs again, huh?”_

_“Yes. Is there a problem with that?”_

_“Of course not, Tsukki!”_

_“You’re totally laughing at me right now.”_

* * *

Yamaguchi was in the hospital for stage 4 cancer. Despite visiting Yamaguchi so much, Kei couldn’t really remember the name of it (the name was super long okay?), but he knew the gist of it. Yamaguchi could die. The fatality rate was pretty high, Kei recalled overhearing from the nurses who were in charge of Yamaguchi.

Yamaguchi refused to have chemotherapy. And any sort of surgery. He rejected all sorts of treatment other than pills and medication. He was a...surprisingly difficult patient to deal with, and really, all this just meant Yamaguchi was waiting for death.

But to be fair, Yamaguchi hardly had the means to accept treatment. It cost astronomical sums of money; money that his parents couldn’t and wouldn’t be responsible for. All that was keeping Yamaguchi in the hospital was pity. Pity from the doctors who’d seen his condition and felt sorry for him.

Now Kei didn’t really want to get closer to someone who was going to die. Kei hadn’t even wanted to come here to visit Yamaguchi. He didn’t want to see someone who could disappear in a split second. But he did want to see his best friend, and at least try to be nice to him before he died. 

If he did, that is. Kei was still (secretly) clinging on to the hope that a miracle would happen.

After buying the rice buns, Kei trudged back to the hospital room where Yamaguchi was waiting for him.

“You didn’t have to.”

“Well I bought it anyway. Shut up and eat.” Kei handed the bag full of rice buns to Yamaguchi, who accepted it with a flustered expression.

“Sorry Tsukki.” 

Kei watched Yamaguchi eat messily. He devoured the rice buns like he hadn’t eaten in years. Kei rolled his eyes. And there he was telling Kei not to buy him food. Yamaguchi was dumb. Dumb as hell.

“There’s a crumb on your chin.” Kei bent over the hospital bed and reached over to brush the crumb away. Yamaguchi tensed, staying dead still as Kei’s hands touched his skin.

Sitting back down in his seat, Kei frowned at Yamaguchi whose face was completely red.

“What is it?”

“You just made my heart skip a beat.”

“What?” Kei recoiled slightly, already half standing, ready to run for the nurse if the situation called for it. “I’ll go get the nurse.”

“Ah I didn’t mean it like that! I was just kidding.”

Kei’s ears grew hot as he sat back down. “Don’t joke about stuff like that. It’s not funny.”

“Sorry.”

“Whatever.”

Yamaguchi ate the rest of the rice buns and finished them in the next few minutes. Kei wrinkled his nose. Just how bad was the food here?

Yamaguchi set his food down for a second, then fell into deep thought.

“Tsukki, what would you do if I died?” 

“You’re not going to die,” Kei muttered sharply, convincing both himself and Yamaguchi. 

“I mean what if? The doctors themselves don’t even think i’ve much of a chance for survival.”

Kei glared at him. Sure, he himself wasn’t exactly the most optimistic person, but it was definitely unlike Yamaguchi to be so insistent that the worst was going to come. 

Nevertheless, he tried his best to not anger him.

Kei was intolerable of annoying people, but this annoying person, Yamaguchi Tadashi, had been the one sole exception in his entire life that he didn’t mind dealing with. It’d been confusing for everyone, especially himself, but he decided that if he didn’t think about it, it wouldn’t be much of a problem.

Still, just recently, Yamaguchi had become more and more annoying. 

“Why? Do you have anything that you want to do before you die or something?”

“Mm...I would love to play another game of volleyball with you. And the team. But this time, I want to be a regular!”

Kei stared back at Yamaguchi, his expression completely void of emotion. Yamaguchi blushed.

“But that’s just wishful thinking.”

“Why? Because you don’t think you’re good enough?” 

“No. Because I think i’m going to die.”

“For God’s sake shut up about dying already!”

“Sorry Tsukki…”

Kei glared at Yamaguchi, who was sheepishly looking away, then he softened his glare into a gaze. Gosh, Yamaguchi’s pessimism was really uncharacteristic of him. Kei pursed his lips together. He couldn’t stand the stifling atmosphere of the room. He looked at his phone. 

“I think i’m going to go now.”

“It’s only been an hour though…” Disappointment was painted all over Yamaguchi’s face. “It was something I said wasn’t it?”

Kei held back a scathing remark. In his brain, he thought up a quick and convenient excuse.

“Something came up at my workplace,” Kei lied through his teeth, and the look in Yamaguchi’s eyes told him he knew he was lying. But Yamaguchi was Yamaguchi, and Yamaguchi would never call Kei out on a lie.

“Well okay then.” Yamaguchi looked down at his fingers, and rubbed the fingertips against each other in a circling motion. “Will you...come back to visit me in the evening?”

“Sounds good.” _Sounds awful._

Getting up, he refilled Yamaguchi's glass of water and aligned his chair nicely as Yamaguchi pressed a button to make his bed lie almost completely flat.

"I think I'll get some rest then." Yamaguchi raised his hands upwards towards Kei for a hug, and the latter reluctantly bent down to hug the other boy back, careful not to injure him.

"See you Tsukki!” Yamaguchi paused, then gave Kei a warm, sweet smile. Internally, Kei winced. “I love you."

"I know." 

Kei gave Yamaguchi one last look before turning to leave the room.

* * *

_“T-tuskki! Wait up!”_

_“What do you want?”_

_“I...i’d like to tell you something Tsukki…”_

_“...”_

_“I...I like you, Tsukki! Since...since the time you helped me get away from the bullies. And also because of the way you shrugged them off like it was no problem! Which I mean, probably was nothing to you, but-”_

_“Seriously? You’d fall for someone so easily? Weird.”_

_“I-It’s not just that! I admire the way you handle everything so well, and you’re really cool...and I just like you!”_

_“Huh.”_

_“Y-you don’t hate me? For being weird...and liking boys?”_

_“I don’t know. Maybe I should.”_

_“A-ah...I completely understand if you do though.”_

_“Do you want me to hate you?”_

_“No!”_

_“...”_

_“S-so...do you like me back?”_

_“I don’t know.”_

_“Oh…” Yamaguchi looked away. “It’s okay though. I was just hoping you wouldn’t hate me for it...and I wanted to tell you because I didn’t think I could hide it very well.”_

_“You’re okay with that? With not knowing whether or not I like you back?”_

_“Of course!”_

_“Weird. So so weird.”_

* * *

Kei kept his word, and a few hours after being cooped up in his home, he finally decided it was about time to return to the hospital.

The journey there was about as tedious as it could possibly get. Switching from bus to bus, train to train, then at last, a ten minute walk to from the train station to the room in which Yamaguchi was.

When he pushed open the door, the nurse was clearing up the crockery that lay on the table in front of Yamaguchi. Soft snores were heard from the boy, his lips parted slightly. His eyes were shut and he had a rather pleasant expression, besides the fact that he was asleep.

With a heavy sigh, Kei glanced at the nurse, and at Yamaguchi, then turned around, ready to leave. Since Yamaguchi was asleep anyway, his presence would only be a bother. Yamaguchi could probably do with a good night’s rest.

“Tsukki? Is that you?”

Yamaguchi’s tired voice reached Kei’s ears, and he groaned internally. Yamaguchi carried on, now talking to the nurse.

“Is he here?”

The nurse just smiled awkwardly, and gave a short nod. Kei turned to walk back towards Yamaguchi. The nurse, with a tray full of crockery and cutlery, strutted away serenely. Kei noticed there was always that mild and gentle aura that nurses gave off.

“Hey. I’m here.”

“How was work?”

“It was fine,” Kei lied once again, and the sad glint in Yamaguchi’s eyes made Kei avert his gaze.

“Sorry. For going on and on about how I was going to die. Please don’t ignore me anymore,” Yamaguchi apologised, then gave Kei his best puppy eyes to beg for forgiveness.

“Tch.” Kei let his eyes travel back to Yamaguchi, feeling way less conflicted now. “Who said I was ignoring you?”

Yamaguchi just broke into a smile.

“How was today?”

Yamaguchi took a sip of water.

“Mm...a few headaches...” Yamaguchi trailed off.

Kei raised his eyebrows. Whenever Yamaguchi spoke like that, it was clear as day he was leaving something important out. 

“And..?”

“Vomited once or twice,” Yamaguchi mumbled.

Kei really had to be grateful for having good hearing, or he probably wouldn’t have caught that the first time. But seeing that Yamaguchi clearly didn’t want to talk about it, Kei decided not to probe further.

“You should talk to the doctor if it doesn’t get better.”

“It won’t ‘get better’ Tsukki. It’s cancer. Cancer doesn’t ‘get better’.”

“If you believe so.”

Yamaguchi looked like he had something more to say, but Kei knew that whatever he had to say, he himself would always have some sort of remark to rebut it. So neither of them bothered to say anything, opting for silence instead. 

“Hey, Tsukki?”

“What?”

“Are you still interested in astronomy?”

“Not so much.”

“Oh.”

“But I still catch up with the latest discoveries and stuff.”

“You still think they’re gonna be able to see dinosaurs?”

Kei glared at Yamaguchi, who was trying hard to keep his laughing under control. 

“Laughing makes my head hurt,” Yamaguchi commented while trying to hold back laughter.

“Then stop.”

“But you’re the only person I would laugh with, Tsukki. When the team comes around, I just smile.” Yamaguchi paused. “You’re the only one I would laugh and get my head hurt for.”

Since when did Yamaguchi become so bold, so daring, and so comfortable with Kei? Did Yamaguchi really have to think he was going to die soon to be able to work up the courage to say what he wanted to leave no regrets? Was Yamaguchi finally becoming the person he should’ve been all along?

Or had Kei been allowing Yamaguchi to hide behind him for way too long? Kei wished he could be so open and nice to everyone. But he didn’t have the guts to, and he knew that.

Still, Kei had to admit; there was just something about Yamaguchi being confident and almost full of himself that Kei found comfort in. And if Kei was honest with himself, which he tried to be, Yamaguchi being full of confidence was kind of...attractive.

“Why the hell would you laugh just to get a headache later? That’s stupid.”

“Maybe.”

Kei stared. _Maybe_. Really, Kei didn’t know this Yamaguchi at all. In a good way. Kei almost felt like he could fall for Yamaguchi in the same way he had for him; just from a single, negligible incident that was so easily forgettable, in the most stupid and cliche way possible.

“So, why did you ask me about the astronomy thing?”

“Astronomy?”

“Yeah you...were just asking about that.”

“Oh. Ah, yeah. I know I said I wasn’t going to talk about how I was going to die anymore, but I just wanted to say that if I really did, I’d like for you to help me do something.”

Kei pushed his glasses up, and leaned back in the chair. Crossing both his arms and legs. “I refuse.”

“Huh?”

“Whatever it is you want me to do, do it yourself.”

“But...huh?”

“Complete whatever task it is on your own. I don’t want you thinking that just because you have someone to complete your wishes for you that you can just let yourself die.”

Yamaguchi wrapped his arms around his bolster, and curled up into a tiny ball. “Oh.”

Satisfied, Kei stood up, and pulled open the curtains. He’d been meaning to see the view from the hospital. In the city, seeing stars was difficult, but here, which was pretty far from all the bright lights, the stars were clear.

Kei adjusted his glasses, and looked up at the sky. It looked nice. It looked really nice. Stars were littered all over the night velvety sky, like diamonds sitting on dark purple cushions. High up, a little to the left, hung a pale yellowish crescent moon.

“You know, when you were younger, you told me you would share the 100 000 000 000 stars in the galaxy.”

“There were 100 000 000 025. And that conversation was from like, five years ago.”

“Well...yeah. I guess...but you still remember it. Even if it was _‘from like, five years ago’._ ”

“What about it?”

“Whenever I look up at the sky, that’s what pops into my mind. The 100 000 000 025 star promise.”

Kei drew his eyebrows together. What kind of person thinks about a silly childhood memory when they look up at the sky? Then, almost immediately, Kei felt a twinge of guilt reside in him.

Yamaguchi thought about him even just when looking at the sky? Kei felt bad. Really bad. Apparently Kei meant so much to Yamaguchi, but since when had Kei really thought about him?

_“S-so...do you like me back?”_

_“I don’t know.”_

The conversation from a year ago came to haunt him. He hadn’t known what his feelings towards Yamaguchi had been back then, and that hadn’t changed in the least bit. Kei hated not knowing. 

“Tch,” Kei muttered, somewhat subconsciously. Yamaguchi had no deal admiring him so much to the point he’d developed a crush. And a crush that lasted so long that didn’t seem like it was going to waver any time soon.

Kei was taking advantage of that. Taking advantage of Yamaguchi’s love and affection for him.

“Tsukki? Are you okay?”

“Shut up, Yamaguchi.”

“Sorry.” Kei bit his tongue. Now he was just being mean.

Kei cleared his throat. “I’m sorry. I probably shouldn’t have snapped at you like that.”

“Oh I don’t really mind.” He didn’t really mind? How much of a slave was Yamaguchi to his emotions? What kind of normal person would crush on a rude, insensitive, and bitter son of a bitch?

“Anyway,” Kei changed the topic. “What were you going to ask me to help you do?”

“I thought you said you didn’t want to hear it?”

“Are you going to tell me or not?” Kei cursed at himself under his breath, and dug his thumb nail into the flesh of his index finger, curling his hands into a fist. 

“I mean,” Kei corrected, his shoulders tensing. “I take back what I said. I’d like to hear it. Just in case-you know, stuff happens.” Gosh, changing his personality into something reasonably nice was way more difficult than he’d thought.

“I was going to ask you to help me send a message.”

“A message?”

“Yeah. It sounds kinda stupid to say out loud, but if I really do die, I hope you’d help me tell the stars that I wish for one more.”

“You...want me to tell the stars that...you wish for one _more_ star?”

Just saying that made Kei feel so stupid. Imagine, _the_ Tsukishima Kei wishing for one more star. As if that one star would be of any significance at all. It was but just one star among the many other 100 000 000 000 stars along the milky way. 

“Yeah. So there’ll be 100 000 000 001 stars in the galaxy, and with the freckles on my face, there’ll be 100 000 000 026 stars. Then you and I can have the same number of stars each! 50 000 000 013 for you, 50 000 000 013 stars for me.”

“That’s...all you’re wishing for? Stupid.” Kei looked anywhere other than Yamaguchi. “Well then you’d better live on to say that to the stars yourself. I’m not going to say something so stupid.”

“Sorry Tsukki.” But at the same time, Yamaguchi didn’t look in the least bit deflated or put down by Kei’s lack of sensitivity. Instead, he looked happy. Strangely happy. Kei furrowed his brows together. 

Yamaguchi was strange. So so strange.

Yamaguchi put both hands under his pillow beneath his head. Eyes looking out towards the window, he mumbled, hopefully loud enough for Kei to hear.

“I love you, Tsukki.”

Then came the familiar sigh, and “tch” sound from Kei’s lips, but nonetheless, all the same, the tall, blonde lanky boy responded with his typical response.

“I know.”

* * *

_“Tsukki!” Kei froze. The footsteps where the voice had come from were quick, and even before he turned around, he knew who it was._

_“What?”_

_Kei waited a while for Yamaguchi to stop panting._

_“Tsukki, you were always able to do anything while being cool and smart, so i’ve always been jealous.”_

_“And?”_

_“But you’re being lame lately, Tsukki! Hinata might become the little giant one day. That just means you have to beat him Tsukki! You just need to become an even better player than Hinata and prove your skills!_

_You have the height, brains, and instinct, so why do you decide that getting any better is impossible?”_

_Kei held back a dismissing “tch”._

_“Even if...I worked really hard and became the best player on Karasuno’s team, what would happen after that? Even if there’s a tiny chance we might make it to Nationals, what happens after that?_

_No matter how high you climb, there’s always someone better. Even if you are able to show some results somewhere, you’ll never actually be number 1! You’re gonna lose somewhere! You all know that, so how can you keep going?”_

_There was a moment of silence, and Kei thought he’d finally gotten the message across. The truth. The truth everyone was avoiding. He even felt somewhat bad for crushing Yamaguchi’s dreams and hopes in the most mean, blunt, and utterly cruel way possible._

_Then Yamaguchi spoke up, closing the distance between them with a mere lunge forward. When Kei was so close to Yamaguchi, he could see the freckles that spotted his face, the ones the latter always felt so ashamed of. The invasion of his personal space made him incredibly uncomfortable, yet also kind of...flustered._

_“What else do we need besides pride?!”_

_Yamaguchi’s hands were grabbing the collar of his shirt, and Kei could hear him panting just because his face was so close to his. To say Kei was taken aback was an understatement. Having his own indisputable line of logic be rejected just for an intangible and flimsy emotion called pride?_

_...Wow. How big of an idiot had Kei become? And since when did Yamaguchi learn to find his own voice to speak up for what he believed was right? Kei’s lips twitched into a brief defeated smile. Yamaguchi could certainly be full of surprises._

_Pride. Just a single, momentary indulgence. Pride. Pride. Pride. The more he said it in his head, the more the word just seemed to become something amazing. Something so spectacular. Something that didn’t seem so bad._

_“To think this day would come...when did you become so cool? You’re actually cool.”_

_If anything, it was at least better than his own worn-out train of thought. He let out a short sigh. Perhaps it was about time Kei learnt to see things from another perspective._

_In the background, Yamaguchi was flailing his arms about, saying something, something Kei didn’t quite catch. Probably apologising._

_It didn’t matter anyway. Kei straightened up._

_“But I can’t accept that.”_

_“Huh?”_

_“I’m gonna go ask something.”_

_That had been the first time Yamaguchi had actually said something contrasting to Kei’s opinion. It was different. Unusual._

_But Kei liked it._

* * *

Hugging a volleyball in one hand, Kei pushed open the hospital door with his shoulder. It was a few hours after school, and practice had just ended. Nevertheless, Kei made time to visit Yamaguchi daily. School was so dry and mundane without constant calls of “Tsukki” and apologies from him.

When he walked into the room, Yamaguchi was half naked, his entire torso bare. The moment Yamaguchi saw him, his whole face turned red.

“A-ah! Tsukki! You’re here!” Yamaguchi reached over to grab a shirt, but he probably moved too fast for he had to stop for a second, letting the blood rush properly to his head, before continuing to move. “The nurse was doing some checkup on me and I just thought since no one was here and I felt comfortable not wearing a shirt i-”

“I don’t need to hear-” Kei stopped himself. “I mean, I don’t mind. Dress in whatever makes you comfortable.”

“It’s not very...appropriate.”

“I said I don’t mind.”

“Ok…” Yamaguchi put on a shirt anyway, but rather half-hearted. “Sorry Tsukki.”

“I don’t need your apology.”

Yamaguchi turned to face the other way. The duvet hung on his thin frame. Since being admitted into the hospital, it was safe to say Yamaguchi had lost a few pounds. From just now, Kei could see his ribs protruding more than they used to, and his limbs had lost about half the muscle he’d gained from volleyball practice.

Yamaguchi had always been on the leaner side, but now he was becoming more like a tree branch. 

“Why are you being so nice lately? It’s not like you, Tsukki. Just like you don’t need my apology, I don’t need you to pity me just because i’m going to die, or because I have a one-sided crush on you, you know.”

“It’s not because of that.”

“Hm.” Yamaguchi flipped back to face Kei, his hair falling over his eyes and his lips in a lopsided smile. 

“What’s with the volleyball?” he asked, gesturing towards said ball lying on Kei’s lap.

Kei moved the ball towards Yamaguchi, but on second thoughts, he stood up and gingerly lowered the ball into Yamaguchi’s palms.

“You said you wanted to play volleyball sometime.”

“Well yeah but I meant on the court. Not in bed.” Yamaguchi’s eyes wandered towards the door, peering at it like he expected the team to surprise him and invite him to play a match of volleyball together.

Kei’s heart twisted itself so tight Kei thought it might snap. The hope in his eyes would only be shattered in a few seconds, when he realised that no, nobody from the team was waiting for him. It was just plain old Tsukishima Kei who was here.

“Did the doctor allow you to leave the room?”

“They didn’t really say anything. But I guess, well, if we don’t tell them there shouldn’t be a huge problem.” Yamaguchi looked eagerly at Kei, probably wondering if he was thinking the same thing as he was. “Why?”

“I saw a badminton court downstairs. It’s not exactly a volleyball court, but it should be enough, if you wanna play a game.”

Yamaguchi was already visibly ecstatic, but he looked doubtful. “But it’s not a game if it’s just the two of us.”

“Tch.” Kei refused to look at Yamaguchi’s pleading eyes, but he gave in anyway. “Fine. I’ll call the team to see if they’re up for it.”

Yamaguchi looked like he was so happy he could burst. Burst as in explode, or burst into tears. Either one seemed pretty likely to happen.

And sure enough, moments later, when Sugawara picked up the phone and agreed to come over to the hospital’s badminton court with everyone else, Yamaguchi’s tears ran down the sides of his face and his lips were trembling and he just flung his arms around Kei, sobbing loudly into his chest.

His nose running, eyes watering, and lips a blubbering mess, pushing out scattered words of gratitude for the indifferent boy. Stiffly, Kei wrapped his arms around Yamaguchi, feeling the soft folds of the smaller boy’s clothes between his fingers and his shoulder blades.

It’d been so long since someone was comfortable enough with him to give him a hug without warning, flinching, or hesitating. It felt nice to be accepted. Even if it was by an annoying and unbelievably obedient suck up where their relationship sometimes felt like one between a sheepdog and a shepherd.

The team soon arrived, and Suga knocked on the door before entering the room.

“Hey Yamaguchi! How’ve you been?”

“Not very good, but i’m alright. Thanks for the concern Suga-san!”

“I didn’t know what to bring as a...gift? So yeah! I just found something at my home’s garden and plucked some out. There are...potatoes...uh, radishes? And carrots. If you’re not allergic to any of them HAHA!”

Suga laughed, then handed the bag full of dusty vegetables to Kei.

“You thought about this gift last minute, didn’t you Suga-san?” Kei remarked, looking inside the bag.

“Hush Tsukishima. At least I got _something_.” Suga smiled, placing both hands on his hips and laughing heartily once more. “Anyway, the rest of the team is already downstairs waiting for you two.”

Yamaguchi happily climbed out of bed and combed through his hair with his fingers. Now that he was standing up, Kei realised just how much thinner he’d become. To be fair, it wasn’t a really huge difference, but he had lost enough in five days to make it pretty bad. 

Just five days ago, his arms were fuller and his face was less pale. Now, his calves looked like they’d shrunk just a bit, and from the way his clothes hung on his shoulders, Kei could easily tell Yamaguchi had lost quite a bit of muscle around his torso.

Kei clicked his tongue. Perhaps Yamaguchi wasn’t up for a game today.

But if not today, who knew when Yamaguchi’s condition would take a turn for the better? That was, if it ever did...

Kei watched carefully as Yamaguchi sneaked out of the room, his hospital slippers barely making a sound as they slid on the laminated wooden floor. Behind him, Kei and Suga stood, eyes following Yamaguchi as he tried to snake through without drawing attention to himself.

As Yamaguchi continued his mission to hide from the watchful eyes of the doctors and nurses, Sugawara lagged behind a little to talk to Kei.

“Hey Tsukishima...is Yamaguchi okay?”

Kei shrugged. “I don’t know. You’ll have to ask him yourself.”

“Yeah but he hides a lot of stuff! And keeps stuff from us. Like his cancer! I literally didn’t know about it til he was hospitalised this year!”

“I only found out because I forced him to go to the hospital last year after he showed weird symptoms. And well I can’t do anything about that. I probably know just as much about him as you do.” Kei glanced at Suga sharply. “By the way, I know you’ve been stalking him on instagram; always being one of the first few to view his stories and all.”

“Ah! Well that was just my attempt to educate myself better on his illness.” Suga put his hand under his chin and smiled smugly, like he was being oh so wise. “But on another note, you’re his best friend! Surely you will know more about him than I do.”

Kei kept quiet. He didn’t exactly know what Suga didn’t know, and he didn’t want to accidentally spill any information that Yamaguchi had told him and only him.

“But...if you don’t wanna tell me, that’s cool! Just--you know, if anything happens or you need someone to talk to, i’m available!” Suga pointed both index fingers to himself, and grinned. But Kei knew Suga was probably worried. Suga was always worried when the wellbeing of his friends was threatened. 

They reached the court and divided themselves into two teams of six. 

Their team was with Tsukishima as wing spiker, so Yamaguchi could be the middle blocker. The setter for their team was Sugawara, and the other wing spiker was Tanaka. Their libero and receiver was Nishinoya and Ennoshita. The remaining players were on the other team.

“Oi Tsukishima-kun! Have you been taking good care of Yamaguchi for us?” Nishinoya jumped up to sling an arm around his shoulder. Tanaka was cackling in the background.

“Yamaguchi! How’s it going?”

Kei pushed up his glasses. “He’s doing better than he’d be if you two were around constantly. And please get away from me Nishinoya-san.”

“Ehh...as salty as ever? Not even a little different when Yamaguchi’s here?”

“I’m fine guys! Really. I’d just like to play a game where i’m a regular. Well before I die…” Yamaguchi looked to Kei, whose eyes were fixed on the volleyball in his hands, but even so, Yamaguchi could feel the silent glare directed at him. “...if I do.”

“Aw Yamaguchi-kun! Why would you die?” Hinata ran up to him, and looked up, his eyes shining. Kei shoved Hinata away from Yamaguchi, who was struggling to find an answer. Hinata crossed his arms in indignance, visibly annoyed by Kei’s actions. 

“Uh…” Yamaguchi scratched the back of his head. “Cause I have...cancer?”

“Hinata how are you such a huge dumbass?” Kageyama muttered, followed by an exasperated “don’t say that, Kageyama” from Suga.

“It doesn’t really matter, Kageyama...and Suga-san! I do have cancer. It’s a fact.”

Awkward silence filling the air, Yamaguchi took the ball from Kei’s hands and walked to the end of the court.

“Y’all don’t mind if I serve, right?”

* * *

_“Hey...Tsukki. I really don’t think I'm cut out for volleyball. At all! Out of all the first years this year, I'm the only benchwarmer. Maybe I should just try out for basketball, or hockey instead…”_

_“Please. You always say that. And yet you’re still here. In volleyball.”_

_“Well yeah but that’s only because you’re here, and because whenever I complain to you about how much I suck at volleyball, you ignore me and still somehow convince me to stay.”_

_“So your point is..?”_

_“I don’t know Tsukki.”_

_“Yeah well fair enough cos neither do i.”_

_“Sorry Tsukki.”_

_Kei stopped in his tracks, and ripped the headphone off his head, clutching it angrily in one hand. Glaring at Yamaguchi, his fists clenched._

_“Shut up. Please just shut up. If all you’re gonna do is suck up to me and apologise to me for things that don’t even make sense, then shut up. Shut the fuck up.”_

_“But I just-”_

_“Goodness! Stop acting all pitiful and making yourself the victim of everything! Stop apologising just for attention. Or because you want some sort of validation from me. I hate it when you do that.”_

_Yamaguchi rarely ever showed any emotion that revolved around his own self. Everything he’d felt, it was all for his dear Tsukki. Happiness, eagerness, pride, disappointment, fear, anger, injustice. But for himself, there were only the occasional fluttering feelings of joy._

_Other than that, there was only the normal, polite interest in volleyball and the team. Else, everything he felt was for Tsukki._

_But maybe it’d pushed him over the edge that day. Maybe it was because that was the day he got back his dreadful results for his cancer stage 4 test Maybe it was because he realised it was time he should have his own separate emotions and voice that didn’t involve Tsukki._

_When Tsukki said his everyday “shut up” and string of mean insults, his hurt over the years all boiled down to one single outburst. Lashing out, he shouted and yelled at Tsukki, his words not pulling any punches._

_“Stop telling me to shut up. I’m so sick and tired of you. Stop pretending like you know everything about me! What makes you think that me apologising to you is because I think i’ve done you wrong? I only apologise because I don't think I've done enough. Not just for you Tsukki. Stop thinking you’re so special._

_Just because your brother lied to you doesn’t make it an excuse to be short tempered all the time! Stop treating yourself like some sort of snowflake! Stop making yourself the whole reason why the world acts as it does._

_And please don’t claim you feel inferior when you’re always acting so arrogant, and how you use me to back you up all the time. Honestly, I don't even mind doing that, but the moment you don’t need me you treat me like shit!_

_For God’s sake! This is why I'm your only friend. Because no one wants to be associated with a mean prick like you! Like, you don’t even try to be nice. Ever! If it weren’t because I stayed friends with you out of gratitude, you would probably be the laughing stock of our school._

_Have you ever thought about what life without me could be like? Without me to back you up and laugh and mock others with you? Do you understand now just how much of a pain it is to hang around you?_

_I’m not some sort of toy for you to spin around your little finger for your pleasure Tsukishima Kei, so for fuck’s sake stop treating me like one.”_

_Yamaguchi knew Tsukki better than anyone. Better than his mother, his brother, or his father. And he loved him more than anyone, or at least he liked to believe so, but this one “blue moon” moment where he failed to suppress his feelings he exploded, beating him up emotionally the way only he could. The way only Yamaguchi Tadashi could._

_Yamaguchi knew all of Kei’s weak spots and his failed ambitions. He knew what could cut through Kei’s tough exterior, to get to what could really hurt him. Kei was an easy prey._

_Yamaguchi watched, little bits of fear building up inside of him as Kei’s face changed from shock and surprise, to anger, and finally hurt._

_“Maybe if you weren’t so incapable you wouldn’t need to always be hiding behind me all the time and using me as your shield,” Kei muttered, his bitter voice laced with venom._

_That one line. That one single line like a stab in the heart hurt him more than Yamaguchi thought it could. What on earth was he doing? Hurting both himself and Kei in this stupid pointless quarrel. A quarrel that started from pretty much nothing but Yamaguchi’s pettiness._

_Both with lips threatening to cut and hurt further, they refused to look at each other._

_“I hate you, Tsukishima Kei.”_

_“At least I'm not the one deluding myself into thinking I'm useful.”_

_All this while Yamaguchi just wanted Kei to comfort him. Yamaguchi just wanted Kei to pull him into a hug and apologise to him instead of the other way around. Yamaguchi just wanted to love, and be loved._

_And that was it. In that one single moment, the both of them panting and holding back their own feelings of hurt and indignance, Yamaguchi broke down, and cried._

* * *

The game went pretty smoothly, or at least everyone tried to give off the impression that it did. Pretending not to see how Yamaguchi’s lungs were asking for more and more air, and the way his serves were weak. The best receivers on the opposing team acted like they couldn’t save the balls when they could, and even Kageyama held back a little.

It was a pathetic game really. Other than Yamaguchi, no one else was really tired out by the game. It had been no more than a sort of warm up for them, but no one dared to utter a single word. 

“Good game, Yamaguchi.” Kei shook Yamaguchi’s hands as the latter pressed his forehead into his shoulder, gasping for air. His face was pale, sweat soaking the whole of his shirt. 

“That was amazing...Is...is that how it feels like to play as a regular? Ha...ha...ha...you’re really really good Tsukki...this is probably why i’m not on the team as a regular…My stamina sucks ass...” Yamaguchi said between ragged breaths. 

He straightened up, a smile too huge for his face at his lips. “Good game Tsukki!”

“Yeah.”

Nishinoya and Suga walked over to their sides, Suga with a bottle in his hands.

“You look like you need a drink.” Suga handed the bottle to Yamaguchi, who took it from his hands but didn’t take a sip. 

“Thanks, Suga-san...and well, all of you for coming here to play this game with me.”

“Don’t mind it, Yamaguchi!” Suga smacked Yamaguchi’s back playfully then ruffled his hair. “We should play again sometime soon.”

“Oi Suga! Don’t beat Yamaguchi like that!” Daichi shouted from the other end of the court.

“Whoops. My bad. Sorry!” Suga put both hands up into the air. 

“Yeah we should. If we get the chance to in the future.” Yamaguchi unscrewed the cap of the bottle in his hands, and took a huge gulp of water. “I’ll do my best to get better.”

“Of course you will! Your senpai here will be waiting for you to come back to the team, with the others. So don’t even think you can go on dying!” Nishinoya grinned, then turned to the other two first years. “Right? Hinata and Kageyama?”

“Yeah,” Kageyama gave Yamaguchi a thumbs up, before going off to help Daichi with some packing up stuff.

“Yeah Yamaguchi-kun! Get well soon! It’s awfully weird without you to tame this stupid giraffe called Tsukishima Kei. He’s so mean to me!” Hinata wailed, and Kei just gave a smug little smirk. Yamaguchi just gave a little smile.

“I’ll try. Thanks for today...again. I just...I never thought I would get to play with y’all ever.”

“If you wanna be negative I’ll ignore Daichi’s words and smack the hell out of you,” Suga warned, pushing his sleeves up to reveal his shoulders. Suga’s arms were in no way super muscle-y or anything, but he looked toned enough to be able to deliver a hard punch.

“Gosh Suga. Your feral side’s showing,” Asahi commented from behind him. Sheepishly, Suga rolled his sleeves back down, his smile returning to his face.

“I really need to work on being a more tamed kind of chaotic.”

“Yes you do."

* * *

_Yamaguchi had gone home that day, alone and in tears. Kei felt pretty bad about it too. Just because he had a bad day didn’t mean he had to take it out on his one and only friend._

_Which reminded him...Yamaguchi was indeed his only friend. Out of the many things he said, few were lies. It was true. His brother’s betrayal was no excuse for anything. Without Yamaguchi Kei would really be a loner. He was really a huge pain in the ass and it was a miracle he even had one friend at all._

_But there was just one mistake. Kei had never thought of Yamaguchi as a toy to spin around his fingers. In fact, Kei had always thought of Yamaguchi as his best, and closest friend, out of the zero other friends he had._

_Still, it didn’t feel good. It didn’t feel right for Kei to go and apologise. Admitting he was wrong was a form of weakness. It showed vulnerability. It was something Yamaguchi could use against him in the future if they had arguments like this._

_What did it matter though? If because of this Kei would lose his only friend? What had to be done, had to be done._

_Kei called Yamaguchi to come over to his home, and the latter almost immediately hung up the phone the moment he heard it was Kei. After some explaining, Yamaguchi finally relented, and a few minutes later, the shorter freckled boy was knocking at the door of his room, eyes puffy and nose stuffed from crying._

_“What did you ask me to come here for? To apologise to you? Because i’m not going to do that.”_

_“No, I wanted to apologise to you.” Kei opened the door wider and motioned for Yamaguchi to enter, before locking it. He didn’t want to have his family eavesdropping. Even worse, he didn’t want his brother to be recording this oh so humiliating moment of his._

_“I mean...yeah that’s what I was looking for,” Yamaguchi sat on Kei’s bed, his knees up to his chest and chin resting atop it. “I don’t know what happened. I just-I couldn’t help myself and stuff but yeah.”_

_Kei sighed, sitting on his swivel chair, his back against one armrest and both his legs swinging on top of the other. “I’m sorry. For snapping at you like that.”_

_“Yeah Tsukki. You aren’t usually like that.”_

_“You’re one to say.”_

_“It’s different.”_

_“Sure. But yeah I guess every day is a shitty day but today was just...I don’t know. It was really shit.”_

_“What happened?”_

_“I'm not telling.” Kei was surprised at his own inability to say it._

_Maybe because it would hurt his ego. It wasn't much, honestly. He was probably just running a fever. The moment he was home he’d gone to check his temperature and it was indeed well over what was normal. Not to mention a major exam had been in the morning and he’d probably flunked it. In volleyball practice none of his serves had felt right and his blocking was a whole mess._

_His head was swimming and when Yamaguchi said his usual “sorry Tsukki” Kei had probably felt Yamaguchi was the best person to take it out on._

_“Oh. Okay. Sorry for asking.”_

_“I thought you said you weren’t going to apologise?”_

_“I lie a lot, Tsukki.”_

_“Well...anyway yeah. So I made my point. I’m sorry.”_

_Yamaguchi smiled, then let his smile drop. “I’m sorry too, I guess then. I didn’t mean any of what I said. It just...slipped.”_

_“I’m pretty sure you meant at least half of it.”_

_“I didn’t! Really!”_

_“You lie a lot, Yamaguchi.”_

* * *

A few visits later, Kei walked into the hospital room to see Yamaguchi crying. There was a huge wet spot on the pillow where his tears pooled and disappeared into. Once again, Yamaguchi was significantly thinner than before. It’d been about two weeks since Yamaguchi was admitted into the hospital, and yet he seemed to have slimmed down to about a hundred pounds. 

Kei locked the door, as he always did, before settling down beside Yamaguchi.

Yamaguchi was wearing the hospital gown today, as he had been for the past week. All the clothes he’d brought had already been washed and worn and were to be washed again. It was simply not enough. 

Kei was fairly worried. Not very very worried, but not too indifferent. He’d seen Yamaguchi cry over his cancer before, yet then again, never this much.

“Hey Yamaguchi, what happened? Is there any update on your illness?’”

Yamaguchi didn’t say anything, only turned to face Kei with tears streaming down his face, and his lips trembling. Sobs were shaking his whole body, his eyes glistening with unshed tears.

Kei extended an arm to pat his back but instead, he felt Yamaguchi’s weak hand grip at his wrist to pull him in for a hug. 

Yamaguchi’s body barely held any heat. It was like hugging a floppy sack of rice. His fingers dug into Kei’s back, and Kei just bit his lip in pain. Yamaguchi’s shaking body made Kei’s body shake too.

In an attempt to soothe Yamaguchi, Kei snaked his arms to Yamaguchi’s lower back and stroked his lower back with his thumb in a slow, comforting movement.

“Can you tell me what’s wrong Yamaguchi? I can’t help you if y-”

“Dr. Grey...he...he...said th-that I sh-should prepare for the...the worst. H-he said th-there was a maximum o-of a whole w-week left...” 

... _Oh my God._ Kei shook his head slowly. Ah. There. There it was. The end of Yamaguchi’s suffering was in sight. He’d thought perhaps it should’ve been a somewhat happy moment, but no. It was all just crying and sadness.

This was exactly why Kei didn’t particularly like visiting Yamaguchi. It seemed every time he came more and more bad news was released. But at the same time, he wanted to be there for him.

Meanwhile, Yamaguchi was sobbing unceasingly into his chest, his hands clutching at his jacket. Silently, Kei held him, rocking them both slowly as his shirt soaked through with tears. Yamaguchi’s lashes were heavy with tears, and his eyes and nose were swollen. His voice was thick with feeling and probably also saliva and his face was a whole mess.

And as insensitive and oblivious as Kei was, he could tell now wasn’t the best time to tell Yamaguchi to snap out of it, or try to convince him it would all be fine. It wasn’t. 

As he held Yamaguchi’s frail and failing body, his mind wandered places. _When would I hear his last word? Will I come to know if I love him back before he dies? What unfulfilled wishes does he have that we could accomplish? Is there something I could say to make him feel better?_

“T-tsukki...I...I don’t want to die…” Yamaguchi sobbed. “I don’t want to die yet...why me? Why must I be the one dying...what did I...what did I do wrong?”

Kei’s hands moved up from his back to his hair and he ran his fingers through Yamaguchi’s hair. 

“You love me don’t you?” Kei moved back a little, Yamaguchi’s sobs stopping for a second.

“Yeah...I do,” Yamaguchi sniffled, wiping his tears and nose with the back of his hands and the heel of his palms. Tears were still falling, but Kei tried to ignore it, and instead, he raised his hands up to Yamaguchi’s face, his long fingers caressing his cheekbones and wiping his tears as they fell.

Yamaguchi moved his head to Kei’s hands, nestling his cheeks into the crooks of the latter’s fingers. “Sorry you have to see me like this Tsukki. I look awful, but...y-yeah. I love you. Why?”

Kei took a deep breath, shuddering as he worked up the courage. He gave an awkward smile. “Just so you know...I don’t really care if you want to touch me when we’re alone. You can hold my hand if no one’s around. I think...I don’t know what I feel, but I think you should be at least worth something like that.”

Yamaguchi began to cry again, flinging himself at the taller boy. He was sick. He was ill. He was weak. He was frail. He was dying. Yes he was, but in Kei, Yamaguchi found strength. 

“So...so I wasn’t wrong when I thought we could really be something?”

“Maybe…I don’t know.”

Yamaguchi nodded. His hands found Kei’s jacket, and gently, he pried it off. Kei helped, shrugging the sides of it off his shoulders, and removing his arms from the long sleeves. 

He held back a shudder. The room was pretty chilly. 

Yamaguchi looked at Kei, his red bloodshot eyes inviting Kei’s hands to touch and caress his face oh so gently again.

Yamaguchi’s hands travelled down Kei’s arms, his fingers stroking the soft pale skin. Yamaguchi’s hands were freezing, but he could feel the warmth in Kei’s arms. Yamaguchi stroked Kei’s arms once more, getting a little heat back into his fingers. 

His hands stopped when they found Kei’s fingers. Hesitantly, he lifted Kei’s hand, and looked to him for permission. Kei just gave a gentle smile; the gentlest smile Yamaguchi had ever seen on his face. Kei looked so weird when he smiled genuinely, but at the same time, he looked like he was ten again. The same young Kei he’d first fallen in love with.

“You can do whatever you want with me tonight, Yams,” Kei tilted his head, his smile unwavering. Yamaguchi shivered at the nickname. It was _just_ a nickname. Just like the nickname he’d given Kei. 

_Tsukki._

Tears tickled him at the back of his eyes. Leaning down slightly, Yamaguchi gently kissed Kei’s fingers. A kiss on each of his fingers. His chapped lips touched Kei’s warm fingers. One by one, the cold from Kei’s fingers lingered on Yamaguchi’s lips. 

Then Yamaguchi’s fingers wrapped around Kei’s, his thumb moving up and down the tips of Kei’s fingers. Bringing the latter’s hands up to his lips, he softly kissed the back of his hands, then he interlaced their fingers, letting their hands drop by his side.

Yamaguchi looked to Kei again, and once more, the warm welcoming smile on the latter’s face remained.

“Come on, Yams. I’m giving you permission. Surely this isn’t all you’ve been waiting for?”

“I love you, Tsukki. I don’t want you just for sex...or some sort of pleasure toy...I just love you. All of you.”

Kei grinned. Ah, Kei’s grin when he wasn’t thinking about anything bad was so much different from his mocking grin. “You sure? The door’s locked though. And the doctors wouldn’t be checking on you so quickly. You have about...three hours. For just three hours...i’m yours.”

Yamaguchi’s face turned a deep shade of red, Kei’s was just a little flushed. He knew what he was going to ask Kei to say next would be really weird, but Kei was the one who’d given him permission.

“Can you say that again?”

The light in Kei’s eyes flickered. “You didn’t hear it the first time?” Kei moved a little nearer to Yamaguchi, and stopped right where his ear was, before murmuring softly, “I’m yours.”

Yamaguchi’s eyes squeezed shut, his heart thumping so loudly he could almost swear Kei could hear it. He’d been waiting for this day for only God knew how long. Yamaguchi pulled Kei’s face down to his, and he pressed their lips together. Yamaguchi ignored how tense Kei had felt at first before he slowly grew comfortable.

Before each of them knew what was happening, Kei’s hands, which had once hung limp in Yamaguchi’s fingers, released themselves from Yamaguchi’s grip and they were working their way up his back.

Still pressing their lips against each other in a kiss, Yamaguchi’s hands cupped Kei’s face. He opened his eyes, just to see Kei’s warm golden eyes staring back at him. In that one moment, Yamaguchi felt tears itching to fall again. 

Those eyes. Those eyes he could only see and observe from a distance to avoid being “weird” were now closer to him than ever before. 

Yamaguchi shut his eyes once again, and his hands travelled from Kei’s face to his jaw, to the sides of his neck and they snaked down to Kei’s waist, stopping finally at his hips. 

Weakly, Yamaguchi tried to pull Kei a little closer to him, but his arms didn’t have the strength to move the tall lanky blonde. Yamaguchi could remember clearly how it’d once felt to have meat on his arms and the ability to pull and tug without much effort.

Meekly, Yamaguchi broke the kiss, pressing both their foreheads together as they stopped for a while to breathe.

“Move a little closer, Tsukki. My arms aren’t strong enough to pull you.” 

Kei just nodded obediently, his whole face carrying the expression “but only because it’s you”. Yamaguchi swooned. 

Once again, Yamaguchi returned to kissing Kei, but not just on the lips. He pressed his lips against Kei’s neck, biting the skin underneath and leaving a bright red spot where he’d been. 

“Are you really okay with this Tsukki? I don’t want to violate you or...anything, you know. You don’t have to indulge in me just because i’m going to die soon…”

Yamaguchi was sitting on his feet underneath himself. Kei grumbled to himself.

“I thought we were already over that. Or do you just have nothing you want to do with me for three hours?”

Yamaguchi put his finger over Kei’s lips. “Don’t say that. I’ve been thinking about today for years.”

“Sure you have.”

Yamaguchi put his hands right where the hem of Kei’s shirt was, then tugged at it. Kei lifted his arms slightly, so Yamaguchi could do the deed of pulling his shirt up. 

At the first bit of exposed skin, Yamaguchi bit the inside of his lips, an uncontrollable sob escaping them.

“Oh my God Yams, why’re you crying again?” 

Yamaguchi shook his head, tears falling from his eyes as he carefully lifted Kei’s shirt up and over his head til Kei’s torso was bare. 

“I-it’s been so long, T-tsukki. So many years, and I'll only get to enjoy this t-today. A week before I die…” Yamaguchi wanted to bring his lips to every inch of Kei’s body, but he stopped himself. He wanted to enjoy this slowly. 

So slow he wondered if Kei would get tired of it. But it was fine. He wiped away his tears as they came, but they fell too fast, too much. He buried his head in his hands. He hated being the weak ass he was. He hated that the only thing he knew to do was cry and cry and cry.

Cold long fingers took his hands, and Yamaguchi felt lips being pressed against his cheekbones. 

“Come on, Yams. The clock is ticking.” Kei kissed his tears away, his blonde hair a total mess on his head. When he pulled back and away from him, Yamaguchi could see the bright red spot on Kei’s neck.

Yamaguchi moved closer--even closer, to Kei, both his knees pressing against the inside of Kei’s legs. His lips brushed against Kei’s bare torso, leaving little bite marks along his collarbone and his ribcage. He stopped when his lips touched where the heart was.

He pressed his ear against Kei’s chest, hearing the rhythmic thump against his head. Kei’s heartbeat was way quicker than Yamaguchi had expected.

“Are you nervous?”

“Yeah. Kinda. Are you not?”

“I am.”

Yamaguchi turned his head and left an especially red love bite mark right where he’d heard Kei’s heartbeat. 

“That’s my favourite part of your whole body, you know that?” Yamaguchi murmured against Kei.

Kei shivered with each kiss Yamaguchi gave him. It was odd. He’d never done this kind of thing before; he’d never been in such an intimate position with anyone. He felt nervous, way more nervous than he was letting on. 

Yamaguchi looked at the marks on Kei’s skin. The red spots along Kei’s shoulder looked like a weirdly shaped star. Staring at Kei made him feel self conscious.

“It isn’t fair to you, is it? I’m the one having all the fun here…” Yamaguchi pulled his own shirt over his head and removed it. He was skinny. Really skinny. Ok well not _that_ skinny, but it looked something like a typical ballerina’s figure. Kei knew that in just a few days Yamaguchi would probably become even thinner.

“No. You’ll be cold. Put your shirt back on, Yams.” Kei reached for the shirt that lay by Yamaguchi’s side, but Yamaguchi smacked his hand away.

“I’ll be fine.” 

Yamaguchi pushed Kei’s shoulder against the backrest of the chair, then kissed him more aggressively now. It was rougher, more raw, a hell lot more desperate. A pretty accurate representation of Yamaguchi’s emotions right then.

It was a hot and messy moment, both of them panting and gasping for air but neither really wanting to stop.

Kei opened his eyes when Yamaguchi’s ones were closed. He looked to his side. How much had Yamaguchi been holding back? And with Kei’s indecisiveness whether or not he liked him back...it must have felt like hell. 

He glanced at the red hickey at his hip bone. That one had hurt, and it took all of Kei’s willpower not to make much of a sound when Yamaguchi had kissed him there. 

It felt nice though, to be wanted, to be loved by a boy with so much devotion and dedication. 

Kei stifled a wince as Yamaguchi grabbed his shoulder, then as the latter’s fingers traced all the way down to his pantline. Kei felt his face grow hot. He knew he’d been encouraging Yamaguchi to do what he wanted with him, but truthfully, he wasn’t too sure if he was ready.

Then he caught Yamaguchi’s anxious gaze looking up at him. 

“Is this a no? Is this a no from you? I-I can stop h-here if you aren’t c-comfortable!” Yamaguchi was breathing heavily, his face pale. Kei wanted to stop Yamaguchi again if Yamaguchi wasn’t up to it, but just thinking this could be the only time they could do something like this prevented him from doing so. 

“It’s a yes. Stop only if _you_ feel uncomfortable. _I’ll be fine._ ”

Yamaguchi looked like he was about to cry again, but instead, he sighed, moving his hand away from Kei’s pants and kissing him again. Kei’s face reddened. 

_God, i’m so uncool right now. This is supposed to be some kind of bonding moment right? RIght? Right? But wow I feel like I'm just being embarrassing._

“You’re a sucker for hickeys huh?”

Yamaguchi looked up to Kei, whose face was a red embarrassed mess. “Stop looking at my face. It looks like crap right now.”

“It looks amazing,” Yamaguchi said simply, then grinned. “Yeah I'm kind of a sucker for hickeys. I think they look cute.”

Yamaguchi led Kei to the lodger’s couch and crawled on top of him. 

“I don’t really know how to do this,” Yamaguchi admitted. 

“Whatever you’re doing feels nice,” Kei mumbled, looking up at Yamaguchi’s face above him. Craning his neck upwards, he kissed Yamaguchi on the cheeks. Yamaguchi’s eyes widened, a flustered expression taking over his face.

“Stop trying to turn me on.” Kei felt himself stiffen. The way Yamaguchi said that was hot. Actually, the way Yamaguchi did anything really, was hot. “I love you, Tsukki.”

“I know.”

“I know you know. I just like to say it lots. I like hearing the sound of it,” Yamaguchi mumbled. 

“I know,” Kei responded. 

“I love you, Tsukki. I love you so much.”

“I know,” Kei replied, growing increasingly impatient as Yamaguchi said the same words over and over again. _I love you, I love you, I love you._ Kei felt his resolve grow weaker and weaker as Yamaguchi repeated it once more. Kei wanted to be able to say it too, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t. So instead he had to settle for Yamaguchi saying it over and over again to him.

“I love you. I love all the 100 000 000 026 stars that exist in this galaxy, and I love you.”

“Wait--100 000 000 026 stars? There were only 100 000 000 025.”

“Please, Tsukki. I thought you’d have known by now.”

“Known what?”

He was feeling breathless, breathless and weird and cold but somewhat comfortable. 

“I thought you’d have known by now, that you’re one of those many stars in the galaxy. One of the many stars I love so much. Actually--no, _you_ are the star I love so much.”

Kei covered his face with his hands. He hadn’t done many embarrassing things, but this. _This_ had to be the most embarrassing thing he’d ever do. A low strangled sound escaped his lips as Yamaguchi touched his face.

“Yams…” 

“Tsukishima…”

There was something about the way Yamaguchi said his full name that Kei found so endearing. It was beautiful. It made his heart thump in the oddest way possible.

“Could you...uh-” Kei clenched his fists. “...say it again?”

Yamaguchi grinned. “Tsukishima. Tsukishima Kei. I love you so much.”

“I know. You don’t have to remind me so much.” But really, Kei was just frustrated that Yamaguchi said it so freely, like he didn’t mind that Kei himself never once said it back.

“Let’s stop here,” Yamaguchi smiled, and got off. Kei pushed himself up from the couch, standing up as he did so. 

“I love you so much Tsukki. I wish we could do this again.” Yamaguchi said, exhaustion showing all over his face. But Kei had other plans.

He caught Yamaguchi’s hand and turned him around, careful not to be too fast, taking into consideration that Yamaguchi was still a cancer patient. 

“Hm Tsukki?” Yamaguchi’s half-lidded eyes showed just how worn out he was, but at the same time, he looked alarmed. “Was it bad? I-i’m sorry, Tsukki! W-we probably shouldn’t ha-have done that then. I’m so sorry! I just-”

“I liked it.”

“O-oh. Thanks…” Yamaguchi’s whole face was red, and he was panting. “I...I love you, Tsukki.”

“I love you too.” Kei watched the shock and surprise in Yamaguchi’s eyes before it turned into doubt. 

They hadn’t even done anything. Both their pants were still on, only their shirts strewn across the floor (and Kei’s jacket too). There shouldn’t have been a reason for Kei having this sudden epiphany.

Yet in that one single night, he knew. He knew there were things he wanted to do with Yamaguchi and Yamaguchi only. Still, in that moment, nothing hurt more than the disbelief on Yamaguchi’s face. The disbelief that told Kei Yamaguchi didn’t believe a word he’d just said.

“I said,” Kei’s breath hitched. “I love you too, Yamaguchi Tadashi.”

Yamaguchi’s eyes began to water again for the hundredth time that night, his hands covering his mouth and his eyes, a half-smile half-sob playing at his lips. Yamaguchi was shaking his head, his tired body crumpling into Kei’s arms.

“It’s been a while since you’ve heard anyone say that to you, huh?” A weak smile crossed Kei’s lips. Yamaguchi nodded into his chest wordlessly.

“Could you say that for me again, Tsukki?”

Kei was more than happy to oblige. 

“I love you, Yams. I love you so much.”

* * *

_“Hey Tsukki. I’m going to the hospital later. Do you mind...coming with me?”_

_“You know I hate the hospital Yamaguchi. It’s full of dead people.”_

_“Oh...so I'll just go alone I guess.” Yamaguchi shrugged like it was no big deal, but Kei knew this was just Yamaguchi’s way of guilt-tripping him. Guilt-tripping Kei was never effective, unless it was Yamaguchi doing it._

_“Fine. I’ll go.”_

_“Thanks!” Yamaguchi walked with a visible skip in his step, then, to prevent Kei from changing his mind, Yamaguchi quickly changed the conversation topic._

_“Oh yeah by the way, have you heard? That new song from Ricky Montgomery?”_

_“From who?”_

_“Ricky Montgomery. Line without a hook.”_

_“Uh no, I don’t think I've heard it. Why?”_

_“Go on, search it up and listen to it.”_

_“Sing me the best few lines of it then I'll decide if it’s good enough for me to spend time searching it up.”_

_“H-huh? I can’t sing…”_

_“I’ve heard you sing before. It’s not as bad as those annoying little children and their high pitched squealing.”_

_“Ah...ok fine. Just this once.”_

_“Hm.”_

_“It's a curse_

_And it's growing_

_You're a pond and I'm an ocean_

_Oh, all my emotions_

_Feel like explosions when you are around_

_And I've found a way to kill the sounds”_

_“...”_

_“Is...it good enough?”_

_“Sounds sappy. Like some sort of cheesy love song.”_

_“Oh...I like it though.”_

_“...I never said I won’t listen to it. I’ll check it out when this song in my headphones ends.”_

_“I think you’ll like it.”_

_“Maybe.” Kei glanced at Yamaguchi._

_To be frank, he’d heard and listened to the song before, but he just wanted to hear Yamaguchi sing it. And Kei also wanted to know which part of the song was his favourite without asking outrightly._

_Yamaguchi was humming to the song now, and discreetly, Kei muted his headphones._

_After all, Yamaguchi’s voice was better than any song that existed in the world._

* * *

It’d been a day since Kei had gone to visit Yamaguchi, but it felt like forever. He could still feel Yamaguchi’s hands tracing circles on his back and the bright red marks on his skin had darkened to form purple coloured spots. 

He looked at his school uniform, then the time. It was well over assembly time in school, so really, if he showed up he would only be considered late and get scolded. He didn’t need that shit right now. 

It was late for school, but it was in no way late to visit Yamaguchi. For a brief moment, Kei considered ringing up the school to tell them he’d be ghosting them for the whole of the coming week but he decided against it.

The long journey felt short the moment he reached hospital grounds. Nurses and doctors were looking at him funny for appearing at the hospital during school hours, but no one really questioned anything.

Well if they did, Kei hadn’t taken notice of them. Neither could he hear them. For the past few hours, he’d been playing the same song on loop in his headphones. The song Yamaguchi had sung for him; line without a hook. 

If it weren’t for the fact that it pretty much described his love life perfectly, Kei didn’t think he’d enjoy the song even half as much. He’d probably hate it with all of his heart.

He reached Yamaguchi’s room, removed his headphones, and with a knock, he entered.

“Hey Yamaguchi.”

“Oh Tsukki! You’re here! Wait...isn’t there school?” 

“I overslept and decided against going since it’s probably not worth the time anyway.” Which was...well, subtly implying that Yamaguchi was more important than school to him. Kei hoped Yamaguchi got the message.

Whether or not he got it, Kei couldn’t tell. 

“Last night was fun,” Yamaguchi said wistfully. “I don’t think i’ll ever have the strength to do that again.”

“What happened after I left last night?”

“The nurses didn’t come for another half hour, but I mean, I needed the time to clean up the room anyway.” Yamaguchi shrugged weakly. “I never thought it would be so...messy. Like literally. I was so scared the nurses could tell when they came in.”

“Ah. I probably should’ve stayed a while longer to help you.”

“Nah. I can do this much. I want to at least leave this world with some sort of dignity.” Yamaguchi reached a hand out to hold Kei’s hands, and pushed up the long sleeves to see the dark bruise that was left after last night.

His thin little fingers brushed over the bruise, and Kei flinched.

“Does it hurt?”

“Of course. It’s a bruise Yamaguchi.”

“Call me Yams. I like it when you call me that.”

“...No.”

“What? Why?”

“I want to preserve the value of that word. I’ll only say it when I think the situation is enough to make me feel like saying it.”

“Hm. Cool.” A small, sneaky smile appeared on Yamaguchi’s lips. “Should I stop calling you Tsukki then? To “preserve its value”.”

“You’ve been calling me that for ages. It won’t make a difference.” 

Yamaguchi’s fingers circled around the bruise on Kei’s arms, then motioned for Kei to remove his jacket. Wordlessly, Kei took it off. He was hardly ever this unquestioning; only when it was with Yamaguchi. 

Yamaguchi was an exception of many things.

Yamaguchi pointed at the bruise on his neck. “That one looks cute.”

“Yeah because you weren’t the one at the receiving end of it.”

“Sorry Tsukki.”

“You don’t sound apologetic at all.”

“Well...yeah. It does look cute.”

Kei put his jacket back on before Yamaguchi could comment anything. The way Yamaguchi could change so much in a short period of time kinda scared Kei. Both physically and mentally. 

Yamaguchi had never once been so bold with his words before. And neither had he ever been so skinny. This Yamaguchi was unrecognisable. Kei shook his head. 

“You know, Yamaguchi, you gave me so many bruises everywhere yesterday.”

“Sorry Tsukki...” Yamaguchi fiddled with his hair. There was hardly any fat on his arms, and it even seemed to Kei that raising his hands took a lot of effort on his part. “I just got caught up. I was...desperate.”

“Yeah. Pretty damn obvious.”

Kei held Yamaguchi’s hands in a firm grip, then bent down to give Yamaguchi a kiss there. Yamaguchi winced, but Kei just smirked. 

“It looks _cute_.”

“It doesn’t feel cute at all, Tsukki. Ouch...oh my God it actually hurts. How...Oh my God. And I even bit you everywhere yesterday! Why didn’t you stop me Tsukki?!”

“I said I'd let you do whatever you wanted with me. I don’t break promises.”

“You should’ve stopped me! Sorry! I’m so _so_ sorry Tsukki!”

“Hmph.” Kei watched Yamaguchi bury his head in his hands as he recalled how just much he’d kissed Kei last night and _oh my God no we did not just do that in the hospital._ “Anyway, Yamaguchi, I brought you fries.”

“...Fries?”

“Yeah. You like them don’t you?” Yamaguchi looked inside the bag, and almost immediately his face turned pale. 

“I-I do, Tsukki...but I don’t really have the appetite. I’m so sorry Tsukki but I don’t think I can stomach that.”

“Oh.” Kei’s brows furrowed. Ah. So this was just how bad his condition had become huh? Yamaguchi looked like he was having trouble forming words without wanting to puke. Kei sighed. 

“Okay then. I’ll just eat it by myself. I won’t force you. The IV gives you the nutrients you need anyway right?”

Yamaguchi nodded weakly. It had been about just twelve hours since Kei had last seen him, but in that short period of time Yamaguchi looked a little sicker. A little less energetic, a little less lively and...just a little closer to death.

Suddenly Kei didn’t feel like eating the fries anymore. He didn’t want to eat if Yamaguchi wasn’t eating along with him. And, he’d specifically ordered the floppy soggy french fries because it was Yamaguchi’s favourite, or at least, had been. 

He put the bag down, and opted to just look and observe Yamaguchi to pass time. 

Besides, he’d always preferred the crispy fries.

* * *

_“Hey Tsukki! Do you like cookies? I brought some for you!”_

_“I prefer strawberry shortcakes.”_

_“Oh. Ok then i’ll just eat these cookies myself.”_

_~~~~~~~_

_“Hey Tsukki! Wait up! I brought something for you today!”_

_“What did you bring?”_

_“I brought you a strawberry shortcake.”_

_“...How did you know I liked that?”_

_“Huh? You told me before! And look! I even searched up the recipe, bought all the ingredients and baked these for you!”_

_“You baked them yourself? You know you could just buy some at the bakery right? You didn’t have to.”_

_“Sorry Tsukki.”_

_“I never said it was a bad thing. Pass me a fork.”_

_“...”_

_“How is it Tsukki?”_

_“It tastes...it’s sweet.”_

_“Oh.”_

_“I like it.”_

_“Oh? Thank you so much Tsukki! I had to bake this so any times before til I finally got the hang of it! I even had to eat all of the failed or ugly looking ones! I never knew baking was so difficult!”_

_“Wait so you...ate all of the strawberry shortcakes you failed at baking…”_

_“Yeah. I didn’t want to throw them out, since buying the ingredients cost quite a lot of money.”_

_“I would’ve eaten it if you’d brought it.”_

_“You would not. It tasted like absolute garbage.”_

_“But you ate it.”_

_“Well yeah...but now that I know how to bake it, I can teach you!”_

_“Hm...When are you available?”_

_“W-wait really? You’ll let me teach you? Oh my God uhm okay i’m free right now! Wanna come over?”_

_“Sure.”_

* * *

The next time Kei visited Yamaguchi, he brought with him a box of homemade strawberry shortcakes. None of them tasted as good as Yamaguchi’s, but he knew Yamaguchi had probably put in way more effort than him in learning how to bake it so it wasn’t really a fair comparison.

Well it tasted good enough for him to eat it anyway.

“Oi, Yamaguchi. I brought strawberry shortcake today.”

“Oh. The ones I-I taught...you to make?” Yamaguchi pushed out tiredly. The way someone’s condition could worsen so quickly scared Kei to no ends.

“Yeah. The ones you taught me to make.”

Yamaguchi looked exhausted, but Kei knew it couldn’t be from physical activity, since Yamaguchi, after _that_ night, hadn’t walked anywhere. There could only be one reason for this; his cancer. 

“Sorry I can’t try it. I’m just-” Yamaguchi himself appeared surprised when tears started flowing down the sides of his face. “I’m just n-not up to it.”

“It’s okay. I get it.”

“Sorry Tsukki.”

“Don’t.”

Kei looked at Yamaguchi sharply, whose tears couldn’t stop coming. With a heavy sigh, Kei got up to wipe the tears away from his eyes. 

When he was towering over Yamaguchi, he could see just how small Yamaguchi looked. Yamaguchi had never been the bigger one but now he just looked tiny. Like a little shrunken grape. 

“It’s not fair, Yamaguchi.” Kei bit his lip. “You just turned sixteen two weeks ago. I-it’s...it’s not fair. I hate it. We were supposed to have been best friends--no, together, forever. It shouldn’t have had to end like this. It-”

Kei felt his own eyes grow hot, and he was soon furiously wiping away his own tears. “This isn’t the way it should have been. It’s all wrong. This is-I hate this. I hate this so much.”

“T-tsukki! Don’t cry...i’ll cry even more too!”

“How am I supposed to stay strong when you’re like this?” Kei gestured at Yamaguchi, then at his IV, then at the whole room. “This in itself is wrong. You shouldn’t have to go through this bullshit.”

“No one should.”

“I’m talking about you here, Yamaguchi. Not anyone else. I...i…I don’t want you to leave.”

“I don’t want to either, Tsukki…”

“I don’t want to be alone in school forever! I hate it. I hate how you’re the only friend I have and how because of that I can’t tell anyone about how much this shit hurts.

I wish I wasn't this mean. I wish I had friends who were like you. I wish I had friends who cared about me like you do. I hate having to be the one who survives through this. I don’t want to think about how my life will be like when you-when you’re gone for real.”

“I-” Kei lowered his head, letting his forehead fall on Yamaguchi’s shoulders. Kei hardly cried. No. Kei never cried. And even if he did, he never let anyone see him. 

“Tsukki...I love you so much.”

“Don’t say that.”

“But I do. I want you to know that. I want everyone to know that I love you.”

“I love you too, Yamaguchi.”

Yamaguchi nodded. “Thanks. Now stop moping. If anyone should be upset, it’s me. Go on. Go to the bathroom and get a towel to wipe your face.”

Unable to say anything, Kei just walked to the bathroom, his nose running and eyes watering. Once he closed the door, he could hear Yamaguchi’s crying outside. Kei wanted to break down and cry lots as well, but he had to be strong. He had to be strong for Yamaguchi.

He towelled his face, but the puffiness around his eyes wouldn’t be gone so easily. He splashed some water on his face, and looked at himself in the mirror. 

He hardly looked like himself. He looked like a scrawny thirteen year old boy.

He sighed. He’d been sighing a lot more than usual lately. 

He pushed open the door and returned to Yamaguchi’s side.

That was all he wanted right now; to be able to make Yamaguchi’s last days memorable. 

* * *

_“Do you really just like stars because you want to see dinosaurs?”_

_“Kinda. But I mean, stars are their own kind of fun I guess.”_

_“I want to be part of the stars when I die.”_

_“Huh?”_

_“Have you never heard of that story? Where the girl died and she became part of the stars?”_

_“I suppose not. But I mean...being part of the stars does seem pretty cool huh?”_

_“Sounds impossible though. Besides, I need to die to be part of the stars. I don’t think i’m gonna die any time soon so yeah. Heh.”_

_“Hm.”_

* * *

“Hey Tsukki.”

“What?”

“You know how I-I originally told you I wanted to w-wish for one more star? Well-” Yamaguchi coughed mid-sentence, and took a sip of the water in the cup Kei offered him.

He continued. “I've changed my mind, because there are already 100 000 000 026 stars.”

“Ah.”

“So I think i...I want to change my wish to...hm, let me think…” Yamaguchi puckered his lips in thought. He looked like he could have another coughing fit again. “Alright. I want you to wish...for me that I'll live a long life.”

“But you’d already be dead by then. The stars wouldn't revive you.”

“Hm...that’s not very good huh…” Yamaguchi raised the cup of water to his lips and took a huge gulp. But no matter how much water he drank, his lips always looked dry and chapped. 

“Okay. I want to say something to the stars then.”

“What is it?” Kei tried his best to be as enthusiastic as he could. He knew Yamaguchi liked it when Kei showed interest in him, so he tried to ignore the glaring fact that they were literally talking about Yamaguchi’s death wish.

“Tell the stars i’m thankful for sending a-” Yamaguchi coughed, and he coughed so hard he looked like he could puke. Kei got up to call the doctor.

“Don’t..call...the doctor. They’ll...they’ll just say it means...i’m going to die soon.”

Kei carried a pained expression on his face, but he didn’t try to go against Yamaguchi’s wishes.

“As I was saying, tell the stars thank you…”

“Thank you?”

“Yeah...i’m glad they...sent an angel down...for me to love.”

Kei felt tears at the back of his eyes, but he held them at bay. “I...I love...I love…”

“I love you too, Tsukki.”

Yamaguchi pulled the sheets up to his chin. “You know...I think i’ll be gone before a week...passes.”

“Please don’t say th-”

“That night was good…” Yamaguchi nodded his head. “It was really good. I’m happy, T-tsukki.”

“I think that’s why your condition is deteriorating so fast.”

“I’m glad we did that. It was the most strenuous thing I did in a while, and that was probably the last strenuous thing I would ever do.” Yamaguchi let out a soft laugh. “I...I think i’ll sleep now.” 

Kei got up to leave, but Yamaguchi shook his head. 

“Don’t leave. Don’t leave my side today.”

Kei’s voice sounded weird as he spoke. “Okay, Yams.”

“Yams?”

“I think the situation calls for it.”

“I-i’m scared, Tsukki.”

“I’m scared too, Yams. I don’t ever want you to leave.”

“I d-don’t want to leave either, Tsukki. But things must co-come to an end. All things must.”

“It’s never usually this quick. Or early.” Kei was literally threatening himself not to let tears fall at this point.

“Yeah...probably not.” Yamaguchi took Kei’s hand, and Kei rested his head on Yamaguchi’s lap, head facing towards him. Yamaguchi squeezed Kei’s hand, and ran a finger across the purple bruise on his arm.

“Remember my wish yeah, Tsukki? Remem...Remember to tell the...the stars that I...I say thank you...”

“O-of course, Yams. Of course I'll remember.”

“I’ve lived a happy life, Tsukki. Kn-knowing you was the best thing that ever happened to me.”

“Same for me, Yams.” Kei took in a deep breath. “Don’t leave me just yet. I...I still have so many things I want to do with you.”

“Yeah? Like what?”

“I want to someday get to introduce you as my boyfriend. I want to go to space with you. I still want to bake strawberry shortcakes with you in the future. And...I want to be able to tell you shut up one more time without feeling guilty.”

“I’m...i’m so sorry that...that I can’t...do th-those things with you. Except maybe the last one.”

“But that’s the whole point, Yams. I want to do it, but only with you.”

“Go on then...tell...tell me to shut up.”

“I won’t. I c-can’t.”

“I’d like to hear it though. En-entertain me.”

Kei inhaled, his breath shuddering.

“Shut up, Yams.”

“Sorry Tsukki.”

Yamaguchi grinned in spite of his weak condition.

“Kiss me one last time...will you?” Yamaguchi asked meekly. Nothing about the state Yamaguchi was in was attractive. He looked a ghostly shade of pale, his hair looking way too dark for his face. 

Nevertheless, Kei still thought he was the most gorgeous person ever to have existed. He pressed his lips lightly against Yamaguchi’s lips. 

The kiss was weak, but it was perfect. It was everything. They were both so tired. So so tired. When it all got too overwhelming for Kei, he pulled away, and lay his head back on Yamaguchi’s lap, their hands still interlaced.

“I’m tired, Tsukki. Of living. I think i’ll go to sleep now. Maybe...I won’t wake up. I’m scared, Tsukki. I-i’m so scared. I want...I want to wake up again...I don’t...want t-to lose you.”

“Sleep , Yams. If you’re tired, just sleep. I…” Tsukki took a deep breath. “When you wake up, i’ll be there.”

“I wish.”

“It doesn’t matter, Yams. Whether you open your eyes to the dead or alive, a part of me will always be with you.” Kei bit his lips to stop them from trembling.

“I love you so much Tsukki.”

Kei gave Yamaguchi the gentlest smile he could muster, and he gave him a kiss on the forehead.

“I love you too, Yams. So so much.”

* * *

It was only when Kei woke up that he realised he’d fallen asleep at the hospital. He looked out of the windows. All he could see was a blur of purple and blue and black. It was probably around midnight. He fumbled about for his glasses which lay a distance away.

When he moved, he felt Yamaguchi’s hand which had been on his head slip down and hit the bed. 

_Oh shit._

Kei put on his glasses and rubbed his eyes, then looked at Yamaguchi. His eyes were shut, the thing that monitored his heartbeat was silent. 

Kei interlaced his fingers with Yamaguchi’s, but his hands were frozen. They were cold, stiff...and dead.

Kei squeezed Yamaguchi’s hands tighter, muttering his name under his breath again and again.

“Yams…”

There was no response. Kei’s thumb moved around Yamaguchi’s wrist to feel for his pulse. Nothing. There was nothing. Not anymore.

Kei knew. Kei knew what had happened. But he didn’t call for the doctor. He didn’t want anyone to disrupt Yamaguchi’s final journey. A journey he would embark on alone.

He wrapped his arms around Yamaguchi’s limp body, pressing his head against his chest in hopes of finding a heartbeat. But there was nothing. 

Kei nuzzled his nose against Yamaguchi’s stomach. It felt surreal. 

Nothing felt right. And he knew nothing was right. 

“Yams…” A cry forced itself out. Soft, raw, and utterly heartbroken. “Yams…”

Kei didn’t even try to hide it. No one was here. He was the only living person in the room. No one would be there to witness his breakdown, his cries and his desperate calls for Yamaguchi.

“Yams...come back…”

Cries shook his body. He was so useless. He couldn’t even help Yamaguchi during his period of illness. It was...because he was so...useless that...that Yamaguchi was…dead.

Kei lay his head down on Yamaguchi’s motionless body, pretending that Yamaguchi’s chest was heaving. That Yamaguchi was alive.

Nothing about this was right. This wasn’t the way it should have ended. Kei still had so many more things he wanted to do with Yamaguchi.

“I...I still had a whole...a whole list of activities...to do with...with you, Yams...you...why..?” Kei clutched Yamaguchi’s arm with both hands, stroking the length of his forearm. All their memories came flooding back.

_"Really, Tsukki? You'll share the stars with me?"_

_"Your freckles look nice under the moonlight."_

_"Your shirt looks nice today."_

_"The food here doesn't really taste good though, so I didn't eat much of it."_

_"I'll get you some rice buns then."_

A violent sob shook Kei's body. How much had he taken for granted when Yamaguchi was around?

_“Do you know what stars represent?”_

_“Something good I guess?”_

_"No...I mean, well yeah_ _kinda. Sometimes stars symbolise distance, kind of like something unattainable. Other times they symbolise hope and truth. So when people feel down or don’t know what to do, they look up in search of hope.”_

So many things. Things they could’ve done together if he’d gotten better. Countless beautiful memories they could have made together. 

They would go on cross-country trips, and they would play uncountable numbers of matches. Kei would make Yamaguchi breakfast, and they would have baths together. They would spend hours in bed, not just making love, but also talking. Talking about the 100 000 000 026 stars in the galaxy and the dinosaurs that aliens would see. 

_“You just made my heart skip a beat.”_

_“Yeah I'm kind of a sucker for hickeys. I think they look cute.”_

They would have kisses that made both their lips swollen and they would go on dates in parks. They would hold each other’s hands and Yamaguchi would search up cheesy pick up lines and Kei would laugh, not because the pick up line was good but because it was Yamaguchi who was saying them. 

_"Have you ever thought about what life without me could be like? Without me to back you up and laugh and mock others with you? Do you understand now just how much of a pain it is to hang around you?"_

_“I hate you, Tsukishima Kei.”_

They would quarrel and argue and make each other cry but then afterwards they would always make up and maybe sometimes make out. They would get cliche gifts for each other and Yamaguchi would write personal birthday cards for Kei every year and the latter would save them in a folder. 

_“I love you, Tsukki.”_

_“I know.”_

They would share a single water bottle and Yamaguchi would feed bites of strawberry shortcakes into Kei’s mouth. They would tease each other knowing that no matter how insulting the teasing could seem they were but just jokes. 

_“I brought you a strawberry shortcake.”_

_“...How did you know i liked that?”_

_“Huh? You told me before! And look! I even searched up the recipe, bought all the ingredients and baked these for you!”_

They would get married and be able to stargaze long into the night while Kei filled Yamaguchi with useless knowledge about the galaxy. They would exchange countless “I love you”s and neither would feel ashamed. 

_“I love you so much Tsukki. I wish we could do this again.”_

Kei wished they could too. They could have done all those things. And they could have done so much more than just that. 

_“As I was saying, tell the stars thank you…”_

_“Thank you?”_

_“Yeah...i’m glad they...sent an angel down...for me to love.”_

Kei pulled Yamaguchi’s body up into a hug, and took in all of his scent, and the way his body fit perfectly in his arms. He ignored when the IV which had been attached to Yamaguchi’s body fell to the ground and when all the medication and food leaked out. 

He couldn’t call for the nurses or doctors. Not yet. Once they knew Yamaguchi Tadashi was no longer around, they would take his body away, and away from Kei. Kei would have hated that.

So instead Kei simply hugged him. And hugged him tight, whispering “I love you” over and over again into Yamaguchi’s ear. He knew Yamaguchi liked it when he said that.

He looked out of the window, at the stars that hung high up in the sky. Just like they had the day before, and the day before that, and before that.

He had to be strong. Yamaguchi wouldn't have liked to see him like this. For Yamaguchi, he could do anything. 

Through the tears that were falling uncontrollably from his eyes, he whispered into the darkness outside.

“Yamaguchi says thank you.”

  
  


* * *

**_Epilogue_ **

* * *

_"Tsukki...tsukki!"_

_"What is it Yamaguchi? It's one in the morning. Why the fuck are you awake?"_

_"Sorry Tsukki, but look outside. It's snowing! And the stars look really bright tonight."_

_"Stop pestering me and go to sleep."_

_"Just look outside."_

_"I swear to God--...wow."_

_"Right? It looks amazing, doesn't it, Tsukki?"_

_"Yeah…"_

_"Come on! Let's make a wish. A wish on the stars."_

_"What..? Okay sure whatever."_

_"..."_

_"What did you wish for?"_

_"I can't tell you, or the wish won't come true."_

_"Huh."_

_"But it's alright, Tsukki! I'll tell you...if you promise not to be disgusted."_

_"I have no reason to be."_

_"Okay then...I wished that you and I will be together forever. It doesn't have to be as lovers though, just really good friends will suffice."_

_"You want us to be together forever?"_

_"Yeah. Forever and ever and ever. Because I love you."_

_"...I know you do, Yamaguchi. I know you do."_

* * *

_**The end** _

* * *

**Author's Note:**

> Song lyrics (whether it be referenced or the actual lyrics themselves)
> 
> Locked away ~R.City ft. Adam Levine
> 
> Line without a hook ~Ricky Montgomery 


End file.
